


ghosts should never be ignored

by missymeggins



Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-07
Updated: 2008-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-21 03:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30015648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missymeggins/pseuds/missymeggins
Summary: Lily has never been one to let go of what she’s got (with one notable exception – but she won’t think of that; she can’t think of that, without spinning into regret) and so she tells herself it’s just nostalgia and nothing more.
Relationships: Rufus Humphrey/Lily van der Woodsen





	ghosts should never be ignored

There are moments (they sneak up behind her, tap her on the shoulder and run away) when she finds herself wavering and wondering why she’s so determined to hold onto the life she’s chosen.

Sometimes the alternative is so much more appealing.

But those moments are fleeting and quiet; they’re not yet ready to attack her in full force and she does her best to ignore them, reminding herself that this is the life she’s chosen.

Lily has never been one to let go of what she’s got (with one notable exception – but she won’t think of that; she can’t think of that, without spinning into regret) and so she tells herself it’s just nostalgia and nothing more.

++

It’s not that she’s unhappy with the life she’s chosen – on the contrary, high society has served her well. It has always been a haven for the runaways because no one cares who you _were_ once you’re _someone._ This has never been truer than in the case of Lily van der Woodsen, the ex-groupie turned trophy wife.

Besides, there was some truth to what she told Rufus. In many ways, social climbing has proved to be more fulfilling than photography. She lives her life being involved – in her children’s school, in charities and businesses – instead of watching from the sidelines.

These days people follow Lily; not the other way around.

And yet, there are times when she does miss it. She saw so much more of life when she was still taking photos because no one cares that you’re looking at them if you have a camera in your hands.

Sometimes – _only sometimes_ , she must remind herself – she misses being _that_ Lily.

Because _that_ Lily was fearless. Mostly.

++

She’s not willing to give up the life she’s built – because, social climbing or not, it _is_ a life; it’s her life and her children’s lives – to pretend she’s twenty and on the road again.

And really, that’s the crux of the issue. It’s not that she doubts Rufus, or their relationship – the truth is she’s always known that she and Rufus just _fit_ – but she doubts their ability to start anew. She doubts their ability to be who they were _then_ and who they are _now_ at the same time.

And she knows that they need to be both. They can’t just choose to be one or the other. They’re steeped in memories of the past and the people they used to be and that can’t be ignored. When he looks at her she can still see the reckless musician he used to be. And the dangerous thing would be to fall into each other yet again, without seeing the ways in which they’ve changed.

She’s afraid of the expectations that linger, unspoken, between them; she’s afraid that if she seizes the opportunity to be _his girl_ again she’ll be too willing to give up the life she’s built in favour of being who she was twenty years ago.

After all, it wouldn’t be the first time she’d just walked away from her whole life and become someone else.

++

He tells her that they can make it work because they’re _them_ and it’s been twenty years and somehow they’re _still them_.

He tells her – _again_ – to claim her life and live it the way she wants to live it and she tells him in return that this is the way she wants to live it; him and her, moving forward slowly, instead of pretending they can just pick up where they left off.

She needs to take her time, getting to know the girl she used to be all over again and figuring out which parts of that girl belong to Lily now and which belong to the Lily of the past. She needs him to take his time getting to know her again. She needs to be sure he wants her _now_ and not just because he wants to rewrite their history.

And he’s Rufus, so he gets it – _gets her_ – and lets her take control of how they do this.

++

Nothing much changes (Lily likes routine) except that now, it’s Lily who shows up at random times wanting to talk. She likes that she’s in control this time. And Rufus likes that she chooses to come to him.

It works.

There are quiet moments of intimacy when Rufus will tuck her hair behind her ears or curl his fingers gently around the crook of her elbow when they’re walking in a crowd.

(Lily lives for these moments because they remind her that she doesn’t need to be afraid; he knows how to love her.)

But mostly there’s just the comfort of being with someone who knows you so well that there’s no need for words; silence is just a pause in time.

It doesn’t matter that sometimes they go weeks without seeing each other; Lily knows he’ll be waiting for her.

++

And so it goes.

They have no direction, just the here and now and the _almost_ routine of being in each other’s lives.

But for them, for now, it’s enough.

++

  



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